he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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