Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
