If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
