I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
