Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
