Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
