I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
