So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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