So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
