Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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