God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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