ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
