On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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