I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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