Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
