the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
