What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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