Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
