When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
