dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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