Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Someone came in the potted fern
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
