I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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