all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
