Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
