I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
did you just send me my own nude
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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