I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
