Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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