yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
