ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
