she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
