God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
