there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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