Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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