Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
