apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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