I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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