i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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