i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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