nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
