I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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