It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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