Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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