Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
