HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
