So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
