take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
