She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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