got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So apparently I’m into choking now
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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