I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
