I need to stop coming to work sober
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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