She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
