so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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