so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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