Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
