I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
