So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
my nose is crying tears of wow.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
