he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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