so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
