at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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