he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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