The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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