yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
