If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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